Luke Leoparde in his 'meet the parents' best.....

 

     Luke Leoparde stood at Jane the lioness’ doorstep fine-tuning his very uncomfortable neckwear.  This was the appointed night to meet her pride.  They had certainly dragged their heels before consenting to his admission to their territory.  Jane opened the door with a look of surprise.

 

“Luke, you look gorgeous, honey, but why the dress up clothes?”

 

“I want to make a good impression on your parents, Janie.  I never wear ties.  This thing is driving me batty.”

 

“Luke, I told you that they are very primitive and old fashioned lions.  Oh well, the best way to explain them is to go out there and let you see for yourself,” she announced, closing the door and locking it. 

 

            The sun was low in the sky as they made their way over one of the ruttiest roads in the entire Mara.  After many miles of bumps and nearly missed mud holes, they arrived at a place in the bush where many lions were gathered.  They were just awakening for their evening meal.  They were as naked as the day they were born.  Jane and Luke left the car and made their way toward one of the lionesses that was dragging a carcass from behind a tree. 

 

“Did they kill that?” whispered a horrified and thoroughly modern Luke.

 

“No, of course  not.  They buy the carcasses from Oscar Scar’s grocery store.  Oscar has his butcher dress it out as little as possible.  That piece is probably from France,” she giggled. 

 

"You're kidding!" 

 

“Mother, this is my friend, Luke Leoparde,” announced Jane. 

 

The lioness that was dragging the meat, dropped it and looked at Luke with disapproving eyes. 

 

“Ain’t no leopard going to steal our dinner,” she growled. 

 

“Mother, he was invited to dinner.  Remember?”

 

“Oh yeah. I believe I do.”

 

A youngish male cub scratched the ground around Luke’s feet and promptly peed on his freshly starched khaki slacks.  A fully maned lion approached the spot where Luke, Jane and her mum stood. 

 

“Who is this, Jane?” he growled. 

 

“Dad, he’s a good friend of mine from the newspaper.  I brought him for supper.”

 

“We can’t kill no animals these days, Janie.”

 

“No, Dad, as a guest not the main course.  He’s my friend,” exclaimed Jane. 

 

Luke’s blood ran cold.  Many a leopard had been killed by lions in the old days.  Jane’s dad outweighed him by a lot.  After much fracas, the group finally settled around the large pieces of meat.  Luke, needless to say, had lost his appetite. He was of the new generation and being very rich, he enjoyed the best cuisine.  This bloody piece of meat was turning his stomach.  Jane got right into the whole thing and chomped away with the best of them.  When the slabs of carcass were completely decimated, there were loud groans and lions falling into sleeping positions.  Only Jane’s parents remained alert. 

 

“Did you get enough meat, Claude?” asked Jane’s mother of her father.  “He’s got some eye problems.  Never could see too well.”

 

“There are doctors that can fit him with glasses,” reminded a helpful Luke. 

 

He might as well have tinkled on the dinner meat for the look the male lion gave him.  He got up and went under a tree, lying down.  Luke’s audience was half finished. 

 

“I gotta go back to sleep, Janie.  I hope you ain’t thinking of marrying this leopard,” said her mother. 

 

“No, Mom.  Luke and I are good friends is all.”

 

With that pronouncement, the lioness, with not so much as a fare the well, went to the tree and lay down.  Luke looked at Jane.

 

“Let’s go, “she said.  “That’s it for the night.”

 

            The next morning when Luke arrived in the flight hangar at the safari club, Ashley Lyon was awaiting details of his evening. 

 

“How’d it go, Luke?” he asked, merrily. 

 

“Shit, those animals were the Amish of the lion kingdom, Ash. It was a horrible evening.”

 

“I was afraid of that, Luke.”

 

Jane's dad after supper.......

---

 

            Linda Cougar at first struggled against revulsion at the conditions surrounding the AIDS mothers in the village on Kenya’s eastern border.  Betty, Mildred and Lisa insisted that she learn to milk goats and cows.  She hated the primitive beds they were allotted at night.  But as a week turned into ten days, she came to befriend the sad mothers and their babies and small children.  With friendship came compassion.  One night, over a meager meal, Lisa Leo found her crying softly.  She put an arm around the young cat. 

 

“It’s so sad, Lisa,” said Linda, bursting into full blown tears. 

 

“That’s why we’re here, Linda.  We help them when we come. I hope you'll come with us again.”

 

---

 

            Shane Simba was restless without his wife.  He had to go on a short trip to the United States.  He wanted Betty with him.  He placed a call to the village, and being the president, managed to get his wife on the phone. 

 

“I have to go  America for three days, Fifi.  I want you with me,” he demanded. 

 

“Shane, I can’t leave Mildred and the others in the lurch.  You go, darling.  It’s only three days and I will be home when you arrive.”

 

He hung up the phone.

---

 

            I accompanied Shane to America.  We went directly to California where we met with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in a good will gesture. He had requested that Shane revisit when he could, having met him when he was vice president.  The governor had asked Shane to come and discuss conservation matters with him.  While there, we received a call from Siegfried, of Siegfried and Roy.   He was a friend of the Schwarzenegger’s.  Siegfried wanted Shane to visit his jungle garden where his big cats lived.  Shane complied, booking us in the Mirage in Las Vegas.  That evening Siegfried joined Shane and me at a table for one of the spectacular girlie shows that abound in that city.  Shane was drinking quite steadily.  I could see this trip had bored the hell out of him.  We were very close to the stage where half naked beauties danced their high kick struts.  One was especially glued to the lion president.  Her eyes kept track of him despite her dance moves.  I was nervous and kept glancing at him from the corners of my eyes.  I saw his tawny eyes tracking the dancer.  A companion of Siegfried’s that joined us also noticed the interplay between the dancer and the lion.  When the dancer was about to end her turn, she came close to the stage and threw a note out. Siegfried’s friend picked it from the floor and handed it to Shane.  I groaned inwardly, thinking how foolish Betty had been not to accompany her potentially unfaithful husband. 

 

Center blonde came to Shane's room......

 

            A knock came on Shane’s hotel room door.  He opened and led the dancer into his room.  He kissed her and began to remove her clothes. 

 

“You are so sexy,” she sighed, kissing him back. 

 

When he had removed every particle of her clothing, she got between the sheets of his bed.  He was about to undo his belt buckle and stopped abruptly.  He pulled the girl from the bed. 

 

“You are very beautiful, but I can’t do this,” he told her.

 

She was perplexed and curious about him and didn’t take to rejection.  Shane took his wallet out and counted two one hundred dollar bills.  He put them in the girl’s hand.  He handed her clothes to her.  She got dressed quickly and tried to kiss him again.  He turned away and pushed her gently toward the door, opened it and into the hall she went. He closed his room door hurriedly.  The Masai guard at Shane’s door was one who had covered Shane since he had been a minister.  He was perplexed but knew no sex had taken place with his long time boss.  When Shane pushed one from the room before four to five hours, he had not had his way with her.  The Masai smiled. He liked Betty. 

 

            The next day as we flew toward the east and home, Shane and I had the usual drinks so liberally served on Simba One, the newly named presidential 747.

 

“Maury, I want you to know that nothing happened with the showgirl.”

 

“I’m glad,” I told him, fully believing what he said.

 

---

 

            Sam Simba was annoyed.  Old Scar, his father-in-law, had decided that Sam’s house on the Mara River was the ticket.  He had left the lovely home of his son, Oscar, and his wife,Jerrilyn, and moved in with Sam and his wife, Allison Scar Simba.  The old lion has always been on the primitive side despite his movie making at Baboon-Simba Studios.  Civilization is only a façade that Scar adopts when filming due to the critical eyes of Bertram and Roy Lee.  Scar had taken to lying about naked and licking his balls.  Sam, always fastidious, disliked this intensely; moreover the old lion didn’t mind his grandsons being present during these sessions.  Sam now had four new cubs by Allison in addition to Jason and Joshua.  The young cubs were beginning to mimic their grandfather’s odious pastime.  Jason and Joshua merely giggled at the sight.  Sam had told Allison of his dissatisfaction over the matter.  She had stated that ‘Dad will be Dad’ and shucked it off.  Sam was pissed.

 

---

 

            The helicopter landed on the State House grounds.  Betty went running to meet it.  Shane bounded out and ran to hug his wife tightly to him. 

 

“I’m so glad you’re home, darling. Tell me about America.”

 

“Not that much to tell, Fifi. I’m sorry I was a horse’s ass about your not coming.”

 

            Betty drew a hot bath for Shane, who reclined among soap bubbles with a glass of Scotch.  Betty sat by his side telling him of the happenings while he was gone. 

 

“Jason and Josh just arrived early today.  This is our weekend with them.  They tell me that Old Scar is living with them now and that he licks his testicles around everyone,” she giggled. 

 

Shane threw back his head and roared with enjoyment.

 

“That is always a noteworthy source of gratification.  I did a great deal of it when I was a growing cub.”

 

“Oh no, not you,” she laughed. 

 

“Yes, indeed I did.  That was before I had a wife who would do it for me,” he chuckled, pulling her into the tub with him, clothes and all. 

---

 

            Caitlin Cougar sat up in bed.  She felt her pregnant belly which pained her.  She walked around a bit, going to her kitchen and getting a cup of hot tea.  She sat for a time, noticing that the pains were persistent and rhythmic.  She phoned her uncle and aunt next door to be told that they were at their home in Mombasa.  She hated to bother him but she bit the bullet and phoned Steven Simba.  He was just getting home from an evening of dining clientele at The Watering Hole Pub.  He came immediately and took Caitlin to the emergency area of the Exotic Animal Clinic.  Dr. Ted Tigeres was on duty.  After looking Caitlin over, he came to report to Steven who was in the waiting room. 

 

“She’s about two weeks shy of her due date but we are taking the cub by C Section tonight.  Isn’t the father your brother?”

 

“Yes. But they’re divorced.  I’ll phone him though.”

 

After briefly seeing Caitlin, he phoned Sloane. 

 

            Sloane Simba made his way to the Exotic Animal Clinic.  Steven had caught him by cell at Caroline Cheetah’s apartment.  He was still tipsy.  He found Steven in the maternity waiting room. 

 

“This is a bit of unwelcome déjà vu, Steve.  I think I’ve seen this play before starring Shane and Sam.”

 

“Shane had an affair with Sam’s wife while she was married and pregnant with Sam’s cub.  I have never laid a paw on Caitlin.  I’ve only been a friend to her. So move on with your bullshit.  I have neither time nor patience for it, Sloane.  If you had been in the least bit decent, she would have called you tonight, not me.”

 

This silenced Sloane who was beginning to get a headache. 

 

“I hope you’ll stay here until the cub is born.  Can you do that, Sloane?  I’m leaving now.”

 

Sloane promised he would and Steven left the hospital.  It was an hour before the nurses came to the waiting room to see another lion seated there. 

 

“Where is the father?” she asked. 

 

“I am the father,” said Sloane, standing. 

 

“Come with me,” directed the nurse. 

 

They went to the nursery where a tiny cub lay in an incubator.  The nurse picked up the small bundle and put it in Sloane’s arms.  He looked down on the tiny face with the still closed eyes. The cub mewed and stretched a miniature paw toward Sloan’s chest. 

 

“Your daughter is adorable and quite healthy for a preemie,” said the nurse. 

 

Sloane looked down, taking the tiny paw in his large one.  Something burst in his chest.  The emotional bonds from years of decadence and a self-centered psyche began to loosen and crack.  Tears streamed from his eyes.  At that moment he fell totally in love with his tiny daughter.  He finally gave the small blanketed bundle back to the nurse but reluctantly.  He could have held her forever.  He went to Caitlin’s room but she was sound asleep. He left the clinic and went to the Watering Hole Pub’s Starbucks coffee center.  There he sat on the deck nursing a cup of espresso knowing that his life had changed forever.