It’s that time of year again – the anniversary of two of my dearest and longest standing friends, Sylvia and Bernard Cougar.  Dr. Sylly Cougar Lyon, the couple’s oldest offspring, called me the other day and stated she wanted this year to be special since the young cougar engineer from Montana married the flaky African leopard heiress ten years ago.  The leopardess shed her flakiness, if not her spots, and the couple became a model for marriages in the Masai Mara.  Sylly tells me she plans to involve her brother-in-law, Lewis Lyon.  Between the Leoparde family heirs and the billionaire son of Ralph Lyon, they should come up with a spectacular event.

The Cougars in 1998 on both legs of their extended honeymoon:  Hawaii (left) and Montana (right) where they dined with Jerry and Weezy Wolf.(Jerry and Weezy divorced years ago.  Weezy is now the wife of Def Leoparde and owns Largesse in the Lewis Lyon Mall)...

             The sun was already shining brightly when Betty woke.  She was past her usual waking hour, having slept off several days of drink due to her angst about her husband, Shane Simba.  She took her coffee and cigarettes to the deck and realized all the dhows were gone from the beach except for Tarzan’s which was still in place.  The weather had broken and was favorable for fishing.  The day was already hot.  She stretched on a chaise lounge to grab some rays and try to soothe her aching heart over Shane wanting a divorce again.  Suddenly it occurred to her that something might have happened to Tarzan.  She took a bath and walked down the beach in the direction of the shack where he had taken her that day, claiming it  was his home.  The heat grew more intense.  She stopped for a cigarette break before trudging on.  Beads of perspiration covered her forehead.  She wondered if she should turn back but continued walking.  At the point where she seriously contemplated returning to her house before she got in trouble with the sun beating down and possible heat stroke, she came to some thick brush.  She got closer so she could see through the dense foliage.   As she peered through a break in the brush, she saw an amazing sight.  Tarzan stood in the shallow water naked, one foot propped on a boat she had never seen before.   She felt faint, blousing her shirt in order to fan herself.  Then she recognized what she was experiencing.  He stood tall and gorgeous, the sun’s intense light casting copper glints in his mane.  What the hell she thought and made her way through the hedge.  He didn’t move a muscle, just stood still gazing toward the lake. 

“Jack, I’m back,” she began, hoping that he wouldn’t be dismayed by her coming uninvited to his turf. 

He turned slowly, not seeming the least self conscious about his nudity. 

“This is my new boat.  I’ve been staking it out for ages.  I finally bought it during the rains.  What do you think?”

“It’s lovely but you are too.  You look so breathtaking naked - surveying your boat.”

“You’ve seen me naked before, Betty.”

“But not like this….so godlike in the sun….so magnificent.”

“How is your Shane?” he asked in a kindly manner. 

“Not mine anymore but out of the woods.”

“Do you care a lot?”

“Yes I do, but it is probably for the best.  He is a difficult male to keep happy, sort of a losing battle all the way around.”

“I saw the newspapers where he left the hospital with his human lover.”

“Another chapter that is closed,” she said, knowing that she was close to tears. 

He lifted her chin.  “Let’s go to your place.  I want to take the boat for a test run .  I don’t want to shore it there because of the twin engines – valuable and very tempting to thieves.  I have some special catch that I’ve been saving to eat on the occasion I finally convinced the man to sell me this boat.  We’ll take it to your place.”

            He donned a pair of shorts and loaded the boat with a case of beer and a large package of frozen paper wrapped fish.  He cranked the engines and headed the craft out, bumping along the choppy waters.  The wind and fresh air felt good.  Betty cheered up.  I am going to be all right, she thought to herself, I am going to pull through this. 

              Shane was back in the office having made an extraordinary recovery from a very severe condition.  He seemed placid and affable, joshing with the staff in the State House.  He introduced a disgruntled Bernice Bear to Johanna.  Bernice Bear, Mildred Lyon’s former social secretary, had stayed at the State House to help Betty.  She was chary of her human replacement.  Shane seemed to have something on his mind – some action for the future.  I have to admit I engaged in a bit of the guessing game with the staff.  His adoring secretary thought Shane was setting the stage to marry Johanna.  Sloane agreed with her.  Amy Chui, realizing that she was never going to catch Shane as her lover, fell into the game with great gusto.  I was really beginning to like Amy.  Amy and I chewed the fat as to what the President’s next move would be.  Vice President Daniel Lyon didn’t join the crowd trying to outguess Shane Simba’s future actions.  It was all terribly undignified and beneath us, but we had endured many ups and downs of late with Betty’s crocodile attack and Shane’s nearly successful assassination attempt.  We were feeling a bit flaky.  That was our excuse at any rate.  Lachlan soothed me about the matter.

“If I had to work for Shane Simba in any other capacity than an occasional shrinking session, I would be climbing trees,” he declared.  “You and your friends guess your asses off, Maury.  He’ll probably fool you at the end of the day.  He’s absolutely crackers.”

That was my lover’s swift and candid take on our president.

             The full moon hung low over Lake Tanganyika shedding its soft light across Betty’s bedroom where she and Tarzan were making love.   They had made love several times before but Betty had never seen him like this until now.  His passion seemed boundless.

            The waiter was a bit slow on the take, unnerving my lunch companion.  I was with Bertram Baboon in a restaurant we had never tried – Fennec’s Fresh Foods in the Lewis Lyon Mall.  There was a crowd and I suppose the hapless jackal waiter was intimidated by the condescending and demanding Bertram who wanted his tray of crudités despite the fact that it was nowhere on the menu.  He finally settled for a cracker tray with cheese.  Fennec’s serves no alcohol but wine and beer which presented a further bother to Bertram.  We ordered a bottle of Merlot. 

“We shall not be coming here again, Maurice,” declared Bertram.  “It is absolutely devoid of class.”

Fennec’s was owned by the parents of Farrah Fennec who had been Lawrence Leoparde’s secretary and stayed with Lachlan when he took direction of the mental health center.  This is why we had chosen this restaurant.  However, I didn’t argue with Bertram. 

“Is Shane going to marry that human?” asked Bertram, breaking my train of thought. 

“I really don’t know.  It is all up in the air these days.”

“He may be a good president but he is a loose cannon as far as his personal life is concerned,” declared Bertram in close proximity to Lachlan’s thoughts on the subject.  “What is Betty doing, have you heard from her since she returned to Tanzania?”

“I’ve gotten several emails.”

“More than Gloria has received.  I do hope she’s not shagging that disgusting lion that reeks of fish, Maurice.”

“I don’t know that either.”

Bertram could be a terrific snob.  Then comes the topper.

“Thank goodness that uterus has been removed so she can’t bear any more children.  I have never seen a chimp crank out so many lion cubs as Betty has done.  She’s earned a place in the Guinness Book of World Records.  Gloria is rather sorry she donated hers.  We might just have desired children of our own.”

“You?  Bertram, you would make an unbearable father.  You just aren’t the type.”

I could see an argument forming on his brow but it relaxed and he said, “Maybe you’re right, Maurice.”

            Shane walked off the elevator and met Johanna in the hall.  They went to the library where his drink tray was waiting.  After a time with Solly and the twins, the couple were alone.  Shane pulled a jewelry box from his coat pocket and flipped it open.  There lay a gorgeous diamond ring. 

“Shane!" exclaimed a stunned Johanna.  “This is beautiful.”

“Try it on, Jo.  It’s an engagement ring.  Sadly, I signed my brother’s law not finalizing divorces for ten months but as soon as I am free to marry, we will do so.”

“Oh, Shane, I’m so happy,” she said, tears in her eyes, slipping the bling on the ring finger of her left hand.

She failed to notice that he hadn’t even proposed – just the declared the matter. 

The engaged couple on the beach in Mombasa..

             Lewis Lyon, being a good friend and admirer of Bernard and Sylvia Cougar, was happy to be a part of their tenth anniversary festivities.  He planned with Sylly Cougar Lyon, a huge weekend bash at his new hotel in the Mara.  The Lyon Four Seasons Hotel would be at the disposal of Sylly and her party plans. 

Lewis Lyon, one of Ralph's  sons, on the cover of Fortune magazine....

             Staci Simba and her fiancé, Dr. Juma Mnyama were about to wed.  Her father’s assassination attempt had disrupted some of the many parties that were a part of the pre-nuptial activities.  The couple seemed to have lost their edginess and was relaxing.  The final party before the wedding was given by Lachlan and me.  It was at our home on Leoparde Drive.  Lachlan took two afternoons off and worked with me in the kitchen creating food specialties for the soiree.  We hired Rhonda Rhino's caterers to do the rest.  The evening of the party was lovely.  We had hung lanterns in the garden which Lachlan, with his talent for growing things, had made even lusher than my own efforts.  We had allowed a certain number of reporters to join the crowd.  One was Jane Leoparde who came with her husband, Luke.  Flashbulbs popped when Shane entered with Johanna.  Of course with the new ring sparkling on Johanna’s engagement finger, the reporters got a real thrill – all except for Jane who felt her heart sink to her knees.  Johanna was radiant and with Shane by her side, confidently announced their engagement.  He nodded in assent but added little else.  He paid no attention to his former lioness lover aside from a nod of hello. 

            When the last guest had cleared our home, Lachlan and I sat on the back porch with a cognac. 

“Life has its little surprises, doesn’t it?” I giggled in allusion to Shane’s engagement. 

“It certainly does.  That’s just so Shane Simba to announce an engagement before he apprises everyone of his pending divorce from Betty.”  

“Did the announcement take you by surprise, Lachlan?”

He chuffed.  “No, nothing that prick does surprises me.”

            Betty went to the closest town to shop for vegetables and fresh flowers.  There she saw a Tanzanian newspaper.  The headlines read KENYA’S LION PRESIDENT ENGAGED TO WED HIS HUMAN LOVER.    There was such a look of dismay on Betty’s face; the vendor was concerned and asked if she needed to sit down and offered a glass of water. 

Betty reads the headlines in a flower market...

             Ashley Lyon returned to Lucy Cougar and she was his date for our party.  The media showed great interest in the son of the former President and First Lioness and the youngest daughter of the former Vice President and Mayor.  Fortunately for Ashley, Shane’s engagement took precedence and knocked him off the front pages.  I had invited Ralph and Mildred to the party.  Ralph stood aside with me while reporters questioned Ashley and Lucy. 

“I suppose Ash will be shining his ass again.  He is not the world’s most circumspect bachelor,” noted his father. 

“Like father, like son,” I teased my great friend and former boss.

“Oh, right you are, Maury.  I certainly had my mad spells,” he acknowledged with a laugh. 

             After our party, Jane Leoparde left the bed where her husband was sleeping.  She opened a beer and took it to the cool veranda where the cicadas hummed their night songs.  She lit a cigarette and wished she was a wolf so she could howl her pain to the moon.